I have the ability, the qualifications, possibly the experience, definitely the interest and desire, but never the opportunity. Never the chance to prove myself, to take the next step.

I know I have things to say, opinions to give and experiences to share. I know that I am an interesting person, but I just don’t know how to talk to people.

Sound familiar? Then keep reading.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison (1847 – 1931)

There are no easy ways to get someone to choose you in any part of your life, whether it’s making friends, getting employment or finding love. If you want a quick fix, and honestly think there is one, then go back to school. You still have a lot to learn.

Life is hard work, and opportunities are no different. You must be prepared to put in the hard graft, long hours, blood, sweat and tears.

Only then, with the correct mind-set and attitude, will the opportunities appear, because then you can talk-the-talk.

Being able to ‘Talk-the-Talk’ is an incredibly useful asset to have, but is one which is generally regarded negatively and is actively discouraged by some. This is because being able to talk-the-talk is predominantly associated with lazy, cocky individuals who are all talk and no action. All show and no substance.

But this doesn’t have to be the case.

In the same way that it’s unfair lazy people get on in life because they can talk-the-talk, it’s unfair that the hard working majority are penalised because they can’t.

So what exactly is being able to talk-the-talk?

Being able to talk-the-talk is having the ability and the confidence to say the right things, to the right people, at the right time. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? If it was we’d all ace that interview every time, have loads of friends and be experts in making relationships work (and starting them in the first place).

So how do you talk-the-talk?

1. Be Yourself
You won’t get anywhere in life if you aren’t true to yourself. For better or worse, you are who you are, so don’t try to be ‘Flash Harry’ if that’s not you. If people who are around you think you are trying too hard or trying to be someone you’re not, then you’ll be thought of as a fake, a fraud and untrustworthy.

Be yourself. If the people around you aren’t happy with that, then find people who are. If you are being yourself, it is easier to relax.

2. Relax
Relax, be calm and unhurried. The more nervous, on edge and flustered you are, the less time you have to concentrate on what you are doing. It becomes harder to listen, concentrate and think and physically and emotionally draining.

If you relax, it makes you appear more confident and means you are more likely to smile.

3. Smile
Smile when you’re talking. Smile when you’re not. Happy people are more approachable, and smiling helps other people you are with relax. If you are both relaxed, conversation is easier, because you have more time to concentrate and feel confident the other person is comfortable talking to you.

If you are both comfortable talking together, it is easier to be honest.

4. Be Honest
Be honest. Both with yourself and with other people. Honesty and sincerity is highly appreciated, and highly valued by a lot of people. If you are honest, it is much more likely you will be perceived as being honest – which is even more important since you will rise in their estimation.

The peril of being honest is that you may get asked questions to which the answer doesn’t always show you in a positive light. This is why it’s important to know your strengths and weaknesses.

5. Know Your Strengths & Weaknesses
It is important you know what you are good at and what you are not, where you can improve and what are your biggest assets. If you know your strengths and weaknesses you don’t have to lie when asked questions about your weaknesses, because you can always tell the truth about them in a positive way. “I am not familiar with X, but I have years of experience of Y” is a much better response than lying (you will get found out).

Whether you are talking about your strengths or your weaknesses, it is important to maintain eye contact.

6. Maintain Eye Contact
Looking someone straight in the eye in a pressurised environment is very difficult for some people, but it is essential for getting your message across. If you maintain eye contact in a conversation, you appear more confident, you are perceived to be more honest when you are talking and gives the impression you are listening when the other person is talking.

7. Listen
Listen, and just as importantly, give the impression you are listening. It is important in any conversation that the other people think you are listening to them and that you value their opinion.

Of course, it is very important that you do listen. Listening enables you to contribute more to a conversation, and reduces the likelihood of you embarrassing yourself by repeating or contradicting other people.

If you listen to others, they are more likely to listen to you, which is important when you are sharing your opinions.

8. Share Your Opinions
You can be the most happy, honest, relaxed listener in the world, but if you don’t share your opinions, you won’t make a lasting impression. Everyone has opinions, so don’t be afraid to share yours. You may well disagree with other people you are talking with, but sometimes that is even better, because a disagreement where you share your opinion in an articulate, knowledgeable way makes a far bigger impression.

However, when sharing your opinions, it is important you respect the views of others around you.

9. Respect Others
Respect everyone around you and, in time, you will gain respect yourself. Treat others as you would have others treat you.

Don’t talk over the top of other people and don’t belittle people’s opinions, however extreme they may seem. There’s nothing the matter with agreeing to disagree.

Finally, what you need is practice.

10. Practice
To be able to properly talk-the-talk it should become second nature. It is only by going out and actually doing it regularly, daily if possible, that it becomes most effective. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

But being able to talk-the-talk is not the end of the line.

Being able to talk-the-talk is a means to an end. In fact, it is the easy part, because once you have talked the talk you have to follow it up with substance – you have to walk-the-walk.

Being able to talk-the-talk will open doors and give you opportunities, but nothing more. It is up to you whether it is an opportunity that is unfulfilled or not and whether you step through the door and into the next challenge life throws at you.

~ TranceFixed

“Why be a man when you can be a success?”
Bertolt Brecht (1898 – 1956)

The words were voted for by visitors to the Merriam-Webster website. Here’s a run down of the top 10:

1. w00t (interjection)
Expressing joy (it could be after a triumph, or for no reason at all); similar in use to the word “yay”.

2. facebook (verb)
Multiple meanings including:
(i) To add someone to your list of friends on the “facebook.com” website.
(ii) To create an event entry on facebook
(iii) To upload a photograph to facebook so that it may be viewed by others.

3. conundrum (noun)
(i) a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun
(ii) a question or problem having only a conjectural answer
(iii) an intricate and difficult problem

4. quixotic (adjective)
(i) foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; especially marked by rash lofty romantic ideas or extravagantly chivalrous action.
(ii) capricious; unpredictable

5. blamestorm (verb)
To sit around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

6. sardoodledom (noun)
(i) mechanically contrived plot structure and stereotyped or unrealistic characterization in drama.
(ii) staginess; melodrama

7. apathetic (adjective)
(i) having or showing little or no feeling or emotion; spiritless
(ii) having little or no interest or concern; indifferent

8. Pecksniffian (adjective)
unctuously hypocritical; pharisaical

9. hypocrite (noun)
(i) a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
(ii) a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

10. charlatan (noun)
(i) one making usually showy pretenses to knowledge or ability
(ii) fraud; faker

Other popular words in 2007, which missed the top 10 include ‘ding‘, ‘lolcats‘, ‘multi-touch‘, ‘poke‘ and ‘tweet‘.

Previous ‘Words of the Year’:

.
All of the above information is quoted or edited from the Merriam-Webster website and the BBC News website.
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~ TranceFixed

“An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 – 1969)

Rule #11: Sensitive is good.
Rule #12: When it stops being fun, break something.
Rule #13: Bridesmaids are desperate: console them.
Rule #14: You’re a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15: Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16: Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17: Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18: You love animals and children.
Rule #19: Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20: The older the better, the younger the better (see Rule below)

Rule #21: Definitely make sure she’s 18.
Rule #22: You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
Rule #23: There’s nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there’s enough women to go around.
Rule #24: If you get outed, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25: You understand she heard that, but that’s not what you meant.
Rule #26: Of course you love her.
Rule #27: Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28: Make sure there’s an open bar.
Rule #29: Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30: Know the play-book so you can call an audible.

Rule #31: If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
Rule #32: Don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33: Never go back to your place.
Rule #34: Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35: Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #36: Your favorite movie is “The English Patient”.
Rule #37: At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
Rule #38: Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
Rule #39: The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #40: Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”

Rule #41: Never hit on the bride; it’s a one way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #42: Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.
Rule #43: At the service, sit in the fifth row. It’s close enough to wedding party to seem like you’re an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Rule #44: Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you’re after, but don’t talk about it.
Rule #45: Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher’s code-name as well!
Rule #46: The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don’t sully them by “improvising.”
Rule #47: You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #48: Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you’re there because you’ve just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancee.
Rule #49: Always work into the conversation: “Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?”
Rule #50: Be pensive! It draws out the “healer” in women.

Rule #51: Always pull out in time.
Rule #52: Tell any woman you’re interested in that you’d love to stay put, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
Rule #53: It’s time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you’re “sensitive”. Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
Rule #54: Avoid virgins. They’re too clingy.
Rule #55: If pressed, tell people you’re related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John.
Rule #56: Don’t fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
Rule #57: When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact. Merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
Rule #58: The Ferrari’s in the shop.
Rule #59: If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
Rule #60: No “chicken dancing.” No exceptions.

Rule #61: When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter.
Rule #62: No more than two weddings a weekend; more and your game gets sloppy. You’ll also attract unwanted notice.
Rule #63: Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
Rule #64: Always save room for cake.
Rule #65: When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.
Rule #66: Smile! You’re having the time of your life.
Rule #67: Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past.
Rule #68: Dance with the Bride’s grandmother.
Rule #69: No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Chair lofts, better.
Rule #70: Two shutouts in a row? It’s time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness?

Rule #71: Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.
Rule #72: Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints: small cost, big yield.
Rule #73: Keep interactions with the parents of the bride and groom to a minimum.
Rule #74: In case of emergency, refer to the rulebook.
Rule #75: Do NOT sing at the reception.
#76: No excuses. Play like a champion.
Rule #77: Carry extra protection at ALL times.
Rule #78: The unmarried female rabbi: is she fair game? Of course she is.
Rule #79: The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first.
Rule #80: Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.

Rule #81: Occasionally bring a gift. You’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.
Rule #82: Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
Rule #83: Don’t let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.
Rule #84: Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
Rule #85: Don’t use the “I have two months to live” bit; not cool, not effective.
Rule #86: Shoes say a lot about the man.
Rule #87: Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.
Rule #88: You’re from out of town. ALWAYS.
Rule #89: Know something about the place you say you are from, whether it’s another US state or another country. Texas is too played-out. For some reason, England, Germany, or even New Hampshire seem to work. Master the accents convincingly, and you’ve nailed them!
Rule #90: Of course you dream of one day having children.

Rule #91: Never dance to “What I Like About You.” It’s long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don’t dance to it. No matter how hot the girl.
Rule #92: Tell the bride’s friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa.
Rule #93: Only take one car. You never know when you’ll need to make a fast escape.
Rule #94: Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
Rule #95: Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy.
Rule #96: Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned, it’s sexy.
Rule #97: Catholic weddings — the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony, horny girls.
Rule #98: The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.
Rule #99: Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.
Rule #100: Save the tuxes for “the big show” only.

Rule #101: Avoid women who were psychology majors in college. There is no kind of woman more clingy and persistent than a psychologist investigating your story later on.
Rule #102: No periwinkle colored ties, please.
Rule #103: Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.
Rule #104: Be well groomed and well-mannered.
Rule #105: Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest is okay.
Rule #106: Eat plentiful, digest your food. You’ll need the energy later.
Rule #107: Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.
Rule #108: Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.
Rule #109: Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design.
Rule #110: Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.

Rule #111: Never have sex with bride or groom’s mother, even if she is the hottest bombshell at the wedding. Just control yourself.
Rule #112: Have FUN! It’s why you’re there!
Rule #113: Don’t look for opportunities; make them.
Rule #114: 3-4 months to wedding crash–funerals are year round!
Rule #115: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket. (The rule that Jeremy makes up to insult John)

“What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?”
John Beckwith (Owen Wilson) Wedding Crashers.

I watched the film Wedding Crashers earlier. For the (few) who haven’t seen it, it’s a brilliant comedy staring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Christopher Walken, and I thoroughly recommend it.

Above is the list of the 115 “Rules of Wedding Crashing” which is frequently referred to throughout the film by Owen and Vince’s characters John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey. The list is sourced from the film’s IMDB trivia page.

If you like the rules and the film, I’d recommend the quite extensive quotes from the film section as well.

~ TranceFixed

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal (1947 – )

“One must be poor to know the luxury of giving.”
George Eliot (1819 – 1880)

China:	USA:

“The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906 – 1945)

Angola:	Columbia:

“I don’t use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough.”
M. C. Escher (1898 – 1972)

Burkina:	Somalia:

“So long as little children are allowed to suffer, there is no true love in this world.”
Isodore Duncan

But stubbornness will only take you so far, and while it may delay the inevitable, it won’t help you give up giving-up. The only way you can break the giving-up habit is by changing your outlook, by changing how you approach a problem.

Losing the Battle

Problems can be tackled in many ways, but what is important, is that you approach a problem with confidence, and sufficient motivation to persevere, and not give up.

You can develop your own problem solving skills and, for some people, they can be taught. Motivation, however, is personal, and is something that can only be developed on an individual basis.

So how do you develop your motivation for problem solving?

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
Marilyn Vos Savant

You have to lose, to fail, to miss the target, to fail to understand and know exactly what losing feels like before you can begin. The best problem solvers are generally not people to whom success is second nature. This is because they are not used to having to cope with difficulties, or to struggling to overcome adversary.

One of the brightest people I know is also one of the worst for regularly giving-up because he is not used to the daily struggle.

If you regularly have problems you have to overcome, you have one of two choices. You can either let them overwhelm you and give up, or you can fight each battle in turn, and eventually win the war.

Winning the War

Think of a time you’ve made a mistake. Do you view as it as a failure?

Don’t view mistakes as negative, view them a positive. Every mistake is not a failure, rather an opportunity. An opportunity for you to learn what not to do, what not to say, so that next time you are confronted with this problem, you are better prepared.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Michael Jordan

Making mistakes can be frustrating, painful and embarrassing. However, not doing something for the fear of making a mistake is the biggest mistake you can make. Giving-up when you can carry on is more damaging than any mistake you can ever make.

Giving-up closes doors, it passes opportunities by, it narrows your options, but it is the easy option. Persevering, learning from the mistakes you continue to make maybe less appealing, but it is far more rewarding.

If you can give up giving-up, then however many mistakes you make along the way, in more ways than one, you will always be a winner.

~ TranceFixed

“Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.”
Orison Swett Marden (1850 – 1924)

What are you doing this Christmas? I will be spending it with my family. By choice.

Christmas means many things to different people. For some it evokes memories of a happy childhood, others loneliness and pain and to some it means nothing at all. To me, Christmas means one thing above all others. It means family.

Midnight Mass, turkey dinner, Christmas pudding, presents round the tree, the Queen’s speech, family films, sherry and mince pies. Mum whizzing round the kitchen. Dad falling asleep in the living room. My brother trying to smile while looking for the nearest exit. My uncle’s regular monologues about everything and anything. Gran reading last year’s newspapers. Grandpa and his beloved sherry.

Every family has it’s quirks, it’s traditions and habits. Every family is made up of a group of painfully unique people who are frequently pulling in opposite directions, who have one thing in common – a shared love and care for each other’s well-being.

“The best Christmas of all is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up with one another.”
William Vaughan aka. Burton Hillis (1915 – 1977)

Christmas is an opportunity for people of all ages to stop and think about the priorities in your life, about the people that matter most. This is why Christmas can be a painful time for some people because they see other people’s happiness at a time of bad memories and loss. This is also why Christmas is a time for family. No-one should be alone over Christmas.

Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. For some people this is hugely important and others it is nothing more than a footnote in history, if that. What is true for all is that Christmas is a time for family. Christmas is a time for giving and receiving, for caring and sharing. Christmas is a time for making an effort to be with those who are important to us.

Whatever we think of them as people, they are our family. Whatever we think of Christmas, Christmas is a time for family.

~ TranceFixed

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.”
Anthony Brandt

I desire certainty, truth, facts and security. I prefer the known, I have a comfort zone and I stick to it as much as possible. I am more comfortable with what I can influence and control. I search for knowledge and understanding. I look for security and stability. I seek certainty.

Yet every answer begins with a question. Every certainty begins with doubt.

In my search for knowledge, I ask many questions. Questions of myself, questions of others; my friends, family and colleagues, people in general. I question the trivial and the unfathomable. Some of my questions have no answers. Some of my questions I can never quite put in to words.

If you live with questions, you live with doubt. If you live with doubt, you live with worry.

Why do I worry? I worry because I question everything.

“You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do.”
A. J. Kitt

I like control because control provides the illusion of security. By being in control I can use my knowledge and understanding and if my existing knowledge is not sufficient, I have a new question to find an answer for.

But I cannot control everything. In fact, I can control very little, which means that the vast majority of my life, and the lives of those close to me, are far beyond my control.

Why do I worry? I worry because I can’t control or influence so many important things in my life.

“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
Mario Andretti (1940 – )

Yet too much control breeds complacency and complacency causes arrogance. I wouldn’t want to be able to control everything because I wouldn’t want the responsibility and power it would bring. I am a mere mortal and, unlike some people, I have no intentions of playing God with mine or anyone else’s life.

I am a worrier because of my genes. My Dad is a worrier and his Dad was before him.

This is one question to which I do have the answer:

“Why do I worry?”

I worry because it’s who I am, it’s what I do. To take away my worrying would take away some of my most deep and passionate hopes and fears. To cease worrying would quench my thirst for knowledge. I worry because it’s intrinsically part of me.

I worry because I care.

Besides, everyone else does it. If I stopped worrying, I would get worried I was missing something…

~ TranceFixed

“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.”
Robert Frost (1874 – 1963)

Scary isn’t it?

~ TranceFixed